Hey, guys. I know that I come and go for long periods of time, but this time I think it's with a bit more sense.
I've been gone for a while now, trying to get my personal and creative lives in order. Just like everyone else, I've been struggling with my personal life, but I think that things are starting to progress with a bit more clarity now. I'm trying to keep going forward while things are quiet and pleasant.
Creatively, well. That's where things get complicated and a bit horrible. I'm mostly uploading my stuff on tumblr, since that's where I am these days. It's been tumblr and AO3, honestly. I've been holding back from uploading things on dA because I feel as if my things are second rate and uninteresting. At the same time, I've been battling my paranoia when it comes to uploading on this site. (Still… a work in progress, unfortunately…) I've been keeping active with writing, and I'm working on my drawing. After I make something, I dump it all onto tumblr.
But I've realised that there's something wrong with that. First, I've started feeling like I've wanted my work to get more attention, which is something strange, horrible, and new to me. It's very hard to deal with. Secondly, I realised that I have lost my audience. They're still there, but they're not captive or responsive to anything I've put out. The fact that I'm so aware of that makes me feel trapped (and again horrible and strange). This has made me question what exactly I've been trying to achieve.
I mirror a lot of my works onto AO3 (for fan fiction) and Livejournal (for original works). In those two places, I find that there's a lot more reader response. I'm thankful for it, but when it comes to networking places like dA and tumblr, I'm suddenly too aware of where I stand as a creator.
I've been pushing myself to create better things, trying to improve, but that's a slow progress. The feedback I've received on tumblr has been mostly negative. That's followed closely by silence, and finally at the very bottom is positive encouragement. It's confusing because I feel as if I'm standing in an ocean by myself being overwhelmed by waves. I've been thinking about this for months, and I've been shaken ever since.
This is a very unique place to be. I'm still making things, but every day makes me question what I'm doing. I want to make a profit off of this current project of mine, but I think I'm hoping for too much. It's been damaging to deal with. And it gets worse because I keep going forward.
I closed my Patreon while I get my thoughts in order. I knew that I would have to start over from the very bottom and rebuild an audience. I no longer know how to do that. If anything, I'm just hoping that the stories I publish in the future will be enough of a selling point and give me some ground to stand on. My views towards drawing has probably taken the most damage, and that's just… It's really hard to combat that.
It's why I've been from dA as a whole. When I'm here, I get inspired to do something – to draw, to write, to network, to generally stay in touch. I'm not sure what to do with those feelings since they add to the conflict. I do apologise for being so incredibly silent though. I want to be active in groups and keep talking to people in comments. But I'm just…… in a really weird, isolating state of mind right now.
Hopefully, I end up making a decision about what to do in the future.